Amazing Grace....

Wow! I heard Il Divo perform this beautiful oldtime hymn the other day and boy was it beautiful! They did an awesome job. I am going to put their new cd on my wish list.


In this phase of redefining my life and finding out who and what I am I am searching for answers to many, many questions running through my head. What is Grace? Well, from what I understand it has a few definitions one of which we all know does NOT reflect in who I am! :) Grace I am not! I am one of the most clutzy people in this world and have been known to be pretty accident prone! But hey, that is what it is and it is who I am!


Now onto the more serious definition of Grace. Here is the definition according to Webster's dictionary:


1 a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b: a virtue coming from God c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace2 a: approval , favor graces> barchaic : mercy , pardon c: a special favor : privilege grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling> d: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e: a temporary exemption : reprieve


Wow, I don't know about you but I am so excited to learn what this word actually means. It is so fitting that right now, at this critical time in my life God has given me this word to inspire and direct me! Unmerited divine assistance given to me for my regeneration and sanctification?! A virtue coming from God? Approval, favor, mercy and pardon?!! A privilege, an act of kindness a courtesy and an exemption? Wow, what joy I feel at learning this!


All of these things I have asked for at one time or another and never more than now but I guess I didn't fully understand what it was I was asking for and what I was hoping to find. All of the above! A place to belong in this world. A place of self worth and self love. For too long now I have sat in the passenger seat of my life. Technically I guess I cannot say that I am taking the wheel back because first and foremost I want God to be the pilot and author of my life but what I actually mean is that I want to be a willing participant in my life. I want to be the one saying hey, this is me and this is who I am and God if this is Your will for my life then I ask you in FAITH and BELIEVING that I deserve to and will receive the desires of my heart! What a day that will be when I actually know what is the desire of my heart!


So, Grace. A word I will work diligently on understanding and believing. A word I will work diligently on applying to my life. Amazing Grace, How Sweet The Sound!


Love, Beth

Doing My Patriotic Duty....

Today I am going to do something that I have never done before now! I am going to serve my political party and encourage my fellow American's to VOTE, VOTE, VOTE! This is such a critical year for our Country and it is so critical that each and everyone that is registered VOTE! I am excited and a little nervous. I am quite sure it will be painless but yet it is something I have never done before!


I'm sorry I have missed updating the last few days. Things have been a little hectic. I am trying to find a job (without much success!). Boy are things different after being out of the "loop" for 12 years! I find myself having such a difficult time getting my foot in the door. Could be the effects of the way our employment rates are going or it could be the fact that I am being perceived as "unhireable" since I technically have not had a job in 12 years. Either way, it stinks!


I have been enjoying hanging out with the kids. I want to take as many opportunities to spend as much time as possible with them. I am building more memories in my memory bank to pull out for future reference when I am missing them. Memories that will be guaranteed to put a smile on my face! Even just hanging out with Bri and watching some of our favorite shows or listening to them telling me stores about their days and what they learned and yes even playing Guitar Hero World Tour with Taylor! Every moment I treasure. Every moment I am depositing those memories as quickly as I can and hoping that they too are enjoying the moment and that it will be a happy memory they will look back on one day.


I find myself on the other end of the rope with my own parents. Seeing them both getting older has been a very difficult thing for me to deal with especially lately. I find myself in denial that when Dad asks me the same question several times it is just easier to tell myself that it is just a habbit he has picked up, not that his memory may be fading. With Mom I tell myself it isn't because she is getting older that it is so difficult and painful for her to get up. It is just because she is on the go all the time. Yeah, right! Tell yourself that lie again! It is right there in front of me. Smack dab in my face. Taunting me - nah, nah, nah, nah, you can't stop me. That's right, I can't stop time but I am trying to teach myself that what I can control is how I respond and react to this thief who is stealing my days right away from me. I can and I WILL enjoy EVERY single day, EVERY single memory I can make with my loved ones. I can and I WILL no longer let fear stop me dead in my tracks. T-I-M-E, I am calling you out! I will no longer be a victim! I will face and embrace each day of my life with unabashed JOY, LOVE, CONFIDENCE AND LAUGHTER! I will dance down memory lane like there is no tomorrow!


I have had so many regrets in my life. So many people I have let down in one way or another and I myself have been let down in one way or another by others. But, if I continue to wallow in the guilt and/or sadness of it all then I have learned nothing and it all has been in vain. I must figure out a way to move forward and embrace my life as it has now become and get on with becoming the best ME that I can be!


Thank you for sharing this wonderful journey with me. Good or bad. We're in it together!


Love, Me

Well, It's Official.............

I have a little under two years! That is before my nest becomes empty!


Last night it was a rare occasion where both of the kids and I were taking a nice little amicable ride to blockbuster. There was no fighting, no arguing just pleasant conversation. Well, I guess you could call it pleasant as pleasant as it could be while I was covering the sound of my heart shattering, my brain slamming on the brakes and my world falling down around me! Ok, well, maybe that's exaggerating a little......


Here's what really happened. We were definitely having a very pleasant conversation about turning 18. Taylor was reminding Bri that she would be turning 18 a few months before she graduated which meant that technically she would be an "adult" then but that he would be 17 when he graduated which would give him a few more months before he suddenly becomes an "adult"! It was a bittersweet conversation. We talked about well, if you're still living at home and mom and dad are footing the bills then you still have rules and responsibilities, etc. when all of a sudden my "baby" boy pipes in and informs me that he and a few friends already have it planned to get their own apartment as soon as they turn 18! That sound you hear, yeah, that's me slamming the brakes on my brain! No, stop, no way! Screech, boom, crack goes the heart!


18? What about college? What about the fact that the number "18" doesn't just all of a sudden turn you into a full fledged adult ready to conquer the world. Does it? Let me just clarify for those of you who may be questioning my sanity at this point, I would never and I mean NEVER hold my kids back. I want them to spread their wings wide and fly as high as they ever dreamed they could fly.... I just didn't see the take off approaching so quickly!


I remember just a few short months ago I was still their "security" so to speak, still their comforter, still the one they turned to for their every need and now well, on one hand it is marvelous to have a little extra time to myself but I have neglected myself for so long that I don't quite know yet how to be me and not mom to Bri and Taylor. I have loved that job description from day one and now all of a sudden my job "security" has been ripped right out from underneath me and I am left seeking a new "title"! I had a brief moment of insanity last night and actually uttered the words "I am going to adopt a baby"! Yep, I know, go right ahead and laugh, I did the same! What??!! No WAY and anyhow, no matter how many babies I tried to adopt there would not be ONE that could EVER replace my two beautiful babies who have now blossomed into beautiful adults!


So, today I really got serious about figuring out where I am to start. One way will be to spend a little alone time with me, myself and I getting to know what kind of person I am, have been and want to be. Find out what I like, rediscovering who I am. I am now looking for a whole new career which is frightening in and of itself but one that I will be able to conquer and achieve! I look forward and embrace this path where ever it may lead me!


Looking Forward,
Beth

Let Me Introduce Myself...

Hello! My name is Beth and I am a mother to two beautiful children, Bri 17 and Taylor 16. I am finding myself suddenly in a position that many Mom's before me have been but a place I never imagined myself to be! I guess I tricked myself into believing that I would always be the "cool" mom and that somehow my children would forever remain under my wing. Don't get me wrong, I would never choose to hold them back or clip their wings. I want them to soar as high as they can fly and be everything they have ever imagined they would be!


The real tragedy here is that I, like many other moms have forgotten who I am and what I want to be and now that the inevitable is bearing down on me and catching up very quickly I find myself at a crossroads so to speak and no idea which path I am supposed to take. I guess some would say I am having a "mid" life crisis! I turned 40 this year, my daughter is a senior in high school and my son is a junior. Wow! I have been a stay-at-home mom to them for the past 12 years and that was my full time job. A job that I looked forward to going to every single morning, day and night. And now, all of a sudden I am realizing that I am having to start a new career, a new life so to speak and I really have no clue how to do that! I am a 40 year old woman and essentially I am starting my life completely over again!


So, the purpose of this post is just a beginning. A place to start so that when I get a little further down the road in my journey I will have a place to look back to and be able to say, "look how far I've come..........". My goal is to put one foot in front of the other, one letter in front of the other and figure this out as I go! I am excited to be able to share this amazing journey and rediscovery of life with you each step of the way! Maybe you will be able to provide me with some excellent words of wisdom and maybe I will be able to reach a hand out to a fellow parent going through what I have been through. Either way, I am excited to be here today and I look forward to sharing my daily dose of reality with you!


Stay tuned until tomorrow!

Beth